28 Things I Learnt When I Was 28

I turned 29 on January 30th. The last nine years of my life have been eventful and I am grateful for all the experiences - the 20 year old me would've never fathomed! In the last 9 years I have had my first salary, my first saving account, first investment, one credit card, two jobs, fortune of working in five countries, a master's degree, first all-nighter, two solo trips, handful of 3am friends, drastic short hair, two tattoos, four piercings, a website, first home that I paid rent for, some knocks of love and a heartbreak. Here is looking at you my last year of 20s, please be kind to me.

Here are 28 things I learnt when I was 28 - When you walk through life with your palms open, the odds of catching soft rain or a sharp shards of glass are 50:50. Then you choose if you want to shut yourself to the world or keep yourself open, knowing the pain that will inadvertently find you but will the love you encounter make it worth it? In no particular order -

1. Dreams change and you outgrow them, at times it feels like a disservice to your old self but then accept it and let go, it is not disservice because you are allowed to change. There's a reason why Wall-Street brokers become bakers. Let go of the weight of expectations that you have from your own self. Be grateful for people who are patient with your WIP self.

2. As an anxious person I find it hard to make decisions without knowing everything, and all my life I have sought information that makes me feel confident about taking a call, at that point of time what I want is reassurance, my life-jacket. But that is the thing about life - you do not get answers to all the questions. Either you have a friend or a parent who knows this about you and pushes you to do things, reassures you and comforts. You may not always have that luxury, now onwards you do what makes sense in the present and the rest will take care of it. It is okay if it is a mistake, YOU are capable of dealing with it. Scary but brave. Let us mix it up!

3. The biggest hindrance to emotional growth is lack of accountability one takes for one's actions and feelings. It is incredibly satisfying to the ego to vilify everything and everyone on the outside. It is so important to see the truth about one self even if it is far from rosy. Acknowledge the screw ups and shortcomings, the mess.

4. The way you love someone is never the same as they love you, and vice versa. Maybe they will never love you the way you seek to be loved or match your depth. It now depends on if you want them to determine how you love, fire with fire or fire with ice. Choose to give without expecting anything in return. At the end of the day you miss giving.

5. Handle someone's heart with gentleness. They do not give it to everyone, everyday. Love takes courage.

6. When a part of you does not love itself completely, when people say nasty things to you, you will always internalize and believe every word of it, you believe that you are unworthy of love, of affection of attempt. So TRY to love yourself and accept yourself, all parts, even the ones you hate - the you that procrastinates, the you that is fearful, the you that is sloppy, the you that failed, especially the you that failed. At the same time know that kindness is a virtue and when you say mean things to someone, they are possibly internalizing them too. It is like a dog who is scared of the stick as she has been hurt many times with it and she flinches at the sight of it, don't be that stick.

7. True love needs action. My dad told me this in midst of a super low point and it has stayed with me - if you love art, you make art, if you love a fit body, you work out, you miss a friend, you call, you want to see someone, you take a flight, if you love something you make an effort else it is just an empty feeling with no substance. Actions trump words. Love cannot hold back. If someone wants it enough, they will work on it. If not, then it did not matter enough. Technology has made access so easy - people are a click away. Priorities show and everyone needs someone who shows up and chooses them unconditionally time after time.

8. Be a team. By this I mean take each other's side, be fiercely each other's. Even if the world does not get it, it is important that the other person does, that is the whole point of it. You are a bridge to your partner's world. The house breaks when you put an axe to your own walls.

9. It is important to state what you want - clearly, kindly. If you get it or not is not guaranteed but it is important & brave that you ask. Equally important are genuine apologies and attempts to make up.

10. The valley of silence leaves room for misinterpretation, hurt and disregard. I will never mete out silence to anyone I love, I will ask for time but I will never disappear on them without a warning. As tough as it gets, I will put myself out there. I could never do this in the past and realized that it left the other person confused and fearful but I am learning to state what is hurting me and choosing to communicate over letting things fester and becoming cold.

11. Truth can never be buried. You can paint over it with a story, you can furnish an explanation for your inner self but sooner or later, the truth will resurface, it will knock at your door loudly till you cannot ignore it. When it does, acknowledgement where it is due, apology where it is due even if it has been years. I felt oddly peaceful after I apologized to someone I had wronged, despite the narrative that I had made in my head to skirt the truth.

12. Text messages are the worst way to have important conversations. Devoid, dry, detached. Show up fully.

13. Friendships are a blessing, hold on to your friends for life. We are all just walking each other home.

14. Pay it forward in friendships. In the past one year some of my dearest people have been patient with me as I have sounded like a broken record, checked up on my safety during long road travels, picked me up from the airport, put me to bed, sent me food, let me live with them, let me bawl, let me be my blue self, they've been there when I have been alone and scared, held my hands literally and figuratively through some really tough times. I promise that I will be there proactively, I will listen to the gentle plea for help, I will help you buy plates, I will take that flight, I will help you draft that resignation email and stay on that call as you finish your meal.

15. People can give you advice but often they have no idea of your journey, you will never be able to translate 100% of yourself even to your closest people. I realized this when someone asked me for advice, I put myself in their shoes with my life's experiences. So take advice with a pinch of salt. They may be right but they may not be right for you.

16. Communication is the backbone of any relationship. Good relationships are not magically created, they are a result of willingness to have hard conversations vulnerably over and over again - till the knot is undone. It is not the absence of fights that is the hallmark of a great relationship, rather how they are dealt with. The relationships in my life that have lasted 10+ years, there have been fall outs but we have managed to work through it and resurface, sans resentment.

17. While it is possible to disagree it is not impossible to understand someone else's perspective. Sometimes just saying 'I understand where you are coming from' can go a long way! The purpose of the battle is to resolve and not to be right.

18. Love your parents but be an independent thinker, in Indian society our parents know parts of us and want the best for us - so there is a lot of love but not a 100% understanding. So then how would they know what you want, what is right for you? That is for you to decide. It is one life, carpe diem. Take a strong stand.

19. In India marriages are not a two people thing - they are a delicate balance between family temperaments and egos, societal expectations, astrology pundits, appropriate age brackets, matchmaking relatives, gender and education thrown into the mix. Dynamic always tottering between the modernity of the current generation and traditional values of the older generation, while both often try and fail to meet in the middle. Ironically and funnily, this expectation drops if the same two people meet on foreign shores. 'Log kya kahenge' has a strict Swadeshi policy.

20. Most of life is random - nothing means anything and I am more and more certain of this. In the worst times there are some glimmers, in the best times there are some sad moments, yin and yang. Control is an illusion. I don't care anymore.

21. Grief never really goes away, you just learn to live with it. It often creeps up around the corner without you even realizing it. I miss my dada a lot of times though it has been over 15 years, it is always a reminder of unconditional love. At my lowest, I imagine him being there with me and that gives me strength.

22. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, it just blunts the memories & dreams, helps replace old associations with new events and people. Also humans are made to survive, as time passes we are wired to rationalize the past and connect the dots - 'Jo hua accha hua', remember the highs and pain feels like it happened to another version of you.

23. Social media has the ability to really make one go down in dumps, it can be an emotional torture device, stay away when you must. It is a collection of everyone's high points, no one talks about the perils of being human and ordinary. But cat reels do make my day!

24. It has been a year of struggling fairly with mental health, juggling work, personal life, shuttling constantly, being isolated and cut off from all things that defined me for a period of four months in 2022 - eating healthy, associations, working out, I was confined to the four walls of my hotel and living out of a suitcase. It was not easy, to a point where even after the storm, the body is still in the flight/fight/freeze mode. Like the Newton's law of motion - body in motion at a constant velocity will remain in motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an outside force. One can't think straight in that state - it is tears and fears. Anxiety feels like living in a cloud of thoughts. I want to take care of mental health proactively - when I did yoga after four months or made scrambled eggs, slept beyond four hours it felt so alien that I did not know my body could feel that way, it felt like I was finally making my way home. I felt just a little bit like myself amidst the storm.

25. I am so so grateful now for ordinary things which are my anchor, I will never EVER take them for granted - a home for one, ability to cook a small meal, friends who are a cab ride away, days where I am not in a car for 7 hrs., semblance of a routine. As painful the experiences were, they taught me to value the little things.

26. Some things that do help with anxiety a little - changing the physical location of wherever you are at - going to a cafe and working - in Kolhapur I always go to Moon Tree cafe as I would go down a spiral at home, walks in nature as you observe the surroundings - count things, if you feel frozen then something warm to thaw you - a warm bath, a warm cup of tea or lying under a heavy blanket. Social media before bed is a bad idea lest you encounter something triggering. Ashwagandha is a natural herb that helps with sleep a little.

27. Get more tattoos, let those be stories and reminders on your body! You take them to the grave.

28. I am learning to live with the most unpleasant feelings too, as excruciating that it is. They pass eventually like a kidney stone. The waves become smaller in magnitude, before they were hard to ride and would just wash me out, now I can attempt letting them ebb in the background as I work on my excel sheet. But I have accepted that they are not disappearing, I cannot avoid them. Being sensitive is both a boon and a bane. Buddhism says that all feelings are the same - we label them as bad or good, so after a point I want to learn to detach myself from my feelings and just observe them. I know I tried and that is what matters, I was in the ring and I tried to punch till my body allowed, but it should not be me fighting alone. What I forget is that it is a collection of parts and I was a cog, the cog who tried her best at that moment in time. I also want to adopt more humor in life, maybe that is my resolution for this year - learning to laugh at the futility and irony of it all.